Dikter

Sadness.

For so many days and nights and for so many years ago, i had a vision about my life, how I believed it could be and nothing in between..

Its sad to not feel nothing else but sadness when you are suppose to feel nothing else but joy.

Even if I had 9 month to prepare, it´s all just words, cause how could you prepare for a change no matter the size of that change when you know nothing about it.

I gave birth and all i feel is emptyness , coldness and all the tears in the world just floating in my face. Im not prepared, I hate this, I dont want this, I need someone to help me to make this all go away… Im sorry for feeling nothing,.. for wanting you…undone. And Im scared for myself,,,my thoughts,,,where will this lead?

Days floats into one big nothing, I dont want to wake up,, I dont want to take responsability for my life, I hate it all! I need to disapere. I cant stand look you in the eyes knowing that all you want is to be loved, and that is all i cant do.

My tears are falling…They say time heels it all… your FIRST smile did, and one bit of the lost puzzel came back to me

I feel shame, for not being the best mum for you when you came into this world , I feel anger for not being a mum giving birth with love streanght and a feeling of being complete.

I love you Leonel like nothing else on this planet and i hope you never really feelt what I feelt.

I cant explain what really happend to me, and why… But you were planned, you were wanted, and every day my love grows,

I hope you know you are all i could ever want.

/Mum.